The first two days of silence were so good that I seriously considered not speaking until I leave the mountain. I laughed so much that my body was sore. People around me laughed a lot too. I felt lighter. I could take a deep breath without my shoulders lifting ever so slightly to get that last bit of air into my lungs. Obviously something was happening, but until yesterday I didn’t consider that all of my joy would also kick up the tension.
Everything I do here appears to be cleansing me from the inside out. The honeymoon period is definitely over. In this lifetime I’ve experienced several types of pain ranging from esoteric to rough and tumble play, and whatever is coming up now has a new category. It’s the stuff at the bottom of the barrel that refuses removal unless taken to with a wire brush.
Said brush is the meditation, yoga, diet, regular sleep, no coffee, alcohol, or weed; and now the silence. I haven’t been completely silent though. By the evening of day three I had started to write emails again, which feels like talking. In the act of this writing my mind is easily distracted. The moments that my mind wanders from my body is when I have to remember that I am not just doing this for a test of will, but to learn something from this fast.
I’m not totally silent though. I’ve had moments when I forget to not talk. Humming yes/no/maybe is breaking the silence, and that I have been doing when I’m too lazy to write it on the 2” x 2” dry erase board I keep in my pocket. The last two evenings I’ve answered at least one person verbally when asked a question. The reflex to respond is so strong at times that a couple of seconds can pass before I notice that I spoke. That I can slip and then fall back into silence without judgment being attached is a testament to why it’s important to have a Satsang (spiritual community) while exploring different forms of meditation.
With that said, day five is challenging. I went on a walk with my partner today and wasn’t silent. Thanksgiving is this week and we had to finalize our plans. Logistical discussions on a dry-erase board are not easy. The switch from speaking and silence was jarring at first, but the real challenge is falling back into the meditation and bringing my focus to the present. As I return to the fast I see how much of my daily energy evaporates when my mind is disconnected from whatever activity I am performing in the present.
Apropos, I saw a t-shirt last night that said, “The Process is the Journey.” I definitely needed the reminder.
